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You Can Never Go Home Again

Eight years ago Advocate associate editor Neal Broverman packed up his car and moved from Connecticut to California to find freedom and acceptance. Now that marriage is legal in Connecticut, he's wondering if he ever should have left.
An Advocate.com exclusive posted November 14, 2008
You Can Never Go Home Again

At 22 I had one night a week of gay. It took place every Sunday at Velvet, a two-story Hartford superclub that opened its doors four sweet evenings a month to central Connecticut’s party fags, disco dykes, and underwriter drag queens. Hours were spent getting ready, listening to the Go soundtrack as I picked out the perfect pair of wide-flaring raver pants and YMLA Lycra top. I just couldn’t wait to get beyond Velvet’s doors, to dance with guys without fear of being on the receiving end of gay panic. It was wonderful, but it wasn’t enough.

That summer of 2000 I didn’t miss a Sunday at Velvet, partly because I knew it was coming to an end -- I was moving to Los Angeles in August. Days after my 23rd birthday, I packed up my Mitsubishi Galant in hopes of finding an accepting home that allowed me a more permanent sense of freedom than Velvet could provide. I thought my chances might be better in California.

I’m now struck with the irony that the place I ran from has loudly declared I’m worthy of equality, while the place I fled to has stated I’m not. Not only did the Connecticut supreme court rule that same-sex marriage is a constitutional right, but the state’s voters rejected a constitutional convention that could have snatched marriage equality away. And a majority of Californians, seen by many as the most liberal and freethinking people in the world, has caved into religious-based hate and fear tactics.

The Knights of Columbus -- the Catholic fraternal organization that helped bankroll Proposition 8 -- call my birth state home. Growing up in Catholic Connecticut, I was more derided for not having a Christmas tree -- I was raised Jewish -- than for not having a girlfriend. The Knights’ homophobia wasn’t explicit in the '90s, maybe because gays were just as covert.

In Connecticut, post-college, I was certainly an oddity. Not a chased-into-the-woods-with-pitchforks-and-torches freak, but a lonely anomaly. As far as I knew, there were no gays filing copy around me at the Hartford Courant newspaper, or marrying ketchup bottles at Denny’s, my other gig. Everyone knew I was gay -- my bosses, my roommate, my parents -- and viewed me as a curious little creature. I traveled in circles that didn’t sling "fag" around, but my friends didn’t go to gay bars or know what The Advocate was.

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Broverman is associate editor of The Advocate.
Keywords:  California marriage  Prop 8 
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Reader Comments

These comments are reproduced as written by visitors to this Web site. They have not been edited for content, grammar, or spelling. The viewpoints appearing here are those of the writer, and do not necessarily reflect the opinion or views of advocate.com, The Advocate, or its affiliates.

  • Name: brian
    Date posted: 2008-11-16 5:42 PM
    Hometown: anaheim

    Comment:

    Gay marriage passed by any state is not a "fraud". I understand how people feel. It is difficult to live in a state that the majority has passed a constitutional amendment aimed at you. For those of us who have grown up in New England and have never lived in a state where hatred is enshrined in the constitution, moving back makes a lot of sense. My spouse and I pay a lot of money in income, sales, and property taxes to California. I'd rather see my money go to a state without a constitution that sees us as less than.


  • Name: Robert
    Date posted: 2008-11-15 6:40 PM
    Hometown: Pasadena`

    Comment:

    Guys, gay "marriage" passed by any state is a fraud because states cannot bestow the 1000 or so legal benefits heterosexual couples are granted when they are married - only the federal government can do this. The war has to be won on a federal level in order to grant those 1000 legal rights to gay couples, i.e., a bill needs to be introduced and passed by Congress in order to do so. So, who is it in the gay rights movement who came up with this current game plan? In California, the sweeping domestic partnership legislation passed in January, 2005 is in place - but the ruling by the State Supreme Court earlier this year does not give gay couples any additional benefits that were already provided for by the 01/2005 legislation, except for the marriage liscense. Forget about passing on social security beneftis to your surviving partner and the other 999 benefits bestowed upon heterosexual couples.


  • Name: Brian
    Date posted: 2008-11-15 9:44 AM
    Hometown: Anaheim

    Comment:

    I know how you feel. I moved to California in 1990 to find acceptance from Massachusetts. My partner and I are currently making the decision that we will sell our home here and move to Boston. It's a difficult decision for him because his whole family is here; however, I think it will better for both of us to leave. I've grown used to being his spouse and it is more important to me than sunshine and palm trees. I suspect others are also considering the move. Good Luck to us all.


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